Some RV Tips – Sarah

I have been developing a new skill set – high speed catering. I imagine this is a little like air-hostessing but without the fixed smile. I think the expression worn may be a little more inscrutable. As we hurtle down the free way at seventy I can now rustle up drinks on ice, sandwiches, fruit or other simple snacks, even freshly percolated coffee. I’ve yet to tackle an omelette.

High speed ablution - This is the kids’ new area of expertise, pretty self explanatory. Very amusing hearing “Mummy can you please wipe my bottom” from the front seats travelling at 70. We once also heard Monty – “Are we moving?” – when we pulled away from a grocery store, who was having his morning constitutional when we moved off, without us realising.

Try to remember to put the steps in before you drive anywhere so that you don’t end up strimming the verges on the right side of the freeway or taking out some poor cyclist. We travelled from Zion to Bryce Canyon (90 miles) with the steps out – they extend about 2 feet to the port side, adding somewhat to the already significant 8.5. And this was not the only time – they are completely mud-splattered now; I think we might have done this more than once.

Try to remember to put your “slider” in before you leave the camp ground, Our “rig” comes with a “slider” which adds to your living space by sliding the sofa and dining area about 4 feet to starboard. But you must remember to put your slider in before you leave the campground to avoid the embarrassment of having to stop and reel it in front of a dozen avid observers after driving half a mile through the site past them all with chins agog. “Mummy, why are those people waving at us?”

Try to remember to put the sun roof down before you go. Sun roofs that stick up like sails tend to do nothing for fuel consumption. 10 miles per gallon is bad enough, without using an airbrake.

Try to remember to shut all storage hatches before you leave the campground. “What’s that funny noise Daddy?” We have had so many terrible cars that we are almost immune to funny noises, and only worked out what this repetitive slamming sound was when we filled up with fuel some time later.

We have yet to forget to unhook the electricity and water but I think that will happen soon.

Monty amusing himself in the dining area while we journey around.

Eliza driving

Blogging in the front The dining room

Leaving Las Vegas (Hugh)

Up reasonably early to pack then cab it out to the RV rental center (sic) courtesy of an Armenian who corrects us when we don’t tip the appropriate 20%.


RV chicane is a very hot experience and we listen hard to pick up all the necessary tips. After an hour or so, we eventually set off, via WALLMART for hardware and FOOD FOR LESS for a staggering quantity of provisions. Our RV is 36 feet long, 12 feet high, 8 feet wide, sleeps 6 people (in theory) and has a “slider” which moves out electronically when you stop to create something approximately the size of our TV room at home.

We drive 2.5 hours to our first RV experience, the Zion Canyon RV park.

Sarah has been clever, this one is quite up-market. I immediately get RV envy – almost everyone has a nicer RV than us and most are towing Jeeps Renegade like our one at home. Some people have those aluminium AIRSTREAM Winnebagos; the one opposite us is from 1956. I love them and want one (of course), but I don’t think it would last even one Haslemere winter.

We rise late, for a 10am ride in a station wagon to Zion Canyon Park.
This canyon far exceeds my expectations, the walls rise sheer thousands of feet above us. We go hiking, splashing through the river at the upper reaches of the canyon.

At one point the river is 7 metres wide, and the cliffs 450 metres high above us.

Cool. I get all het up because I want to go back country hiking, but I can’t because I have 3 small children.


Get used to it Hugh.


The next day we go inner tubing on the Virgin River (you sit in an inner tube and float down the river). Not exactly class IV rapids these, but that’s probably a good thing as the kids have a fantastic time bobbing around.

We get married (Sarah)

I wake up on the morning of our "wedding" to find H armed with a cork screw determinedly trying to remove the huge white security alarm tag from the sleeve of the Cowboy shirt he’s bought especially for the ceremony. Judging by the damage that he’s managed to inflict so far, he’s been at it for a while but the device shows no sign of weakening. I suggest that it may be quicker to walk the ten minutes or so back to the shop but am given to understand that this is not the point, that would be giving in….

Anyway, he has a spare shirt, so with us girls all plaited up Annie-get-your-gun style we don our hats and head off for breakfast fully Cowboy suited and booted.


Down in the lift, past the malls, through the Casino floor, Reception, Concierge, this is still one hotel but it takes a good twenty minutes to walk from one end to the other. The city types clearly think that rednecks have hit town. We must look like Bonnie and Clyde with kids….

The thing that confuses me about US directions is that they always say Route so and so South or Route so and so North…. but of what point exactly? Logically the main highway through Vegas should go - from North to South: Las Vegas Boulevard North, Las Vegas Strip, Las Vegas Boulevard South, But no, our wedding chapel is at 600 Las Vegas Boulevard South, half a mile north of the strip – you still with me? The only way I saw any cabbie find anywhere outside the strip in Vegas was to telephone the place to where he was headed to get directions. Totally bonkers.

We get married again - Hugh

A champagne breakfast with the kids, then we cab it to a wedding chapel at completely the wrong end of the strip. Cabbie is horrified, but about turns and gets us to the correct chapel and on time.

Wedding is great fun. Monty is best man, girls bridesmaids, and Elvis escorts Sarah down the aisle. I get a bit emotional, which catches on, and the whole thing is really good fun and everybody has a good time.

We eat the wedding cake on the bus on the way home, then extravagantly throw the dregs into a bin.
Stop off at Circus Circus for a few rides,
then walk back to the hotel in 110 degree heat. A few errands while Sarah goes swimming (more shopping and mail retrieval), then off to Bellagio for the Cirque du Soleil “O” show. Awesome. We watch the fountain show at 930, then cab it back to the hotel.

Notes on the wedding day - Sarah

Elvis: Our Elvis turns out to be the tallest and most Elvis like man in the world, we really do look like gnomes in comparison, please see wedding pics to follow at some point. The whole thing was very very silly and I want to do it again.




The Best man: Monty takes ages to get the ring out of its brown paper package during the service…..he is concentrating verrry hard, a top best man effort.

Re: ‘A few shopping errands’ above, please note that the wedding shirt no longer has the security device attached.

Swimming = People watching. You don’t go swimming in Vegas actually to swim. You hide behind your sunglasses and watch reality unfold, great sport.

Cirque du Solais: I have been wanting to see the ‘O’ show in Vegas since I can remember and I wasn’t disappointed. It is quite simply breathtaking and if anyone reading this gets the chance to go – jump at it.

I booked so far in advance that we had front row seats right on the rim of the huge flooded stage, so close that you could make eye contact with the performers. Sitting there you were immersed in the performance in more ways than one –splattered with water as they plunged in or played the fool. Spectacular feats of human ability and imagination unfolded before our popping out eyes. This show could not be further away in terms of wonderment from the Rain forests of Central America but every bit as beautiful. An amazing celebration of human endurance, theatrics and artistry taking place in the middle of what by rights should be an arid desert. Wow.

At the end Eliza was presented with a rubber ring used in one of the clowns’ acts, it remains a treasured possession.

Fly in to Vegas - Sarah

A Las Vegas kid I meet on the plane who looks about thirty but turns out to be sixteen, named Ricky Gomez tells me its so hot there you can fry an egg on the bonnet of your car, I start to question his authority only when as we fly over the Grand Canyon he cries eagerly “Guys, look look we’re flying over the whaddaya call it….. The Big Crack”

Turns out he’s not wrong though, the heat as you walk out of the airport takes your breath away, luckily it appears that 98% of the geographical area of Vegas is air-conditioned. The other 2% is generally avoided by anyone other than the lizards. Just turning up at this place must double the size of your lifetime carbon footprint.

Having not travelled to the States recently I am suitably impressed when immigration control scans and records each of my fingerprints using some sort of fluorescent green screeny thing. I suddenly imagine being a master criminal or James Bond Villain. Would it be possible to get rubber fingerprints made up in order to travel incognito? Or on the flip side what if you presented your fingertips only for sirens to sound, lights to flash and armed guards appear from nowhere tackling you to the floor. Maybe terrorists could have copied your fingerprints from a half eaten Dunkin’ Donut and you could spend years incarcerated for a crime you never committed. Make a mental note to wipe all restaurant cutlery clean after use to be on the safe side.

Hugh is ‘recognised as friend’ and allowed in to the country after placing only his thumb on the glass. He adopts an immediate air of superiority. Unfortunately for the kids they are yet to young for this excitement.

Think H pretty much covered everything else, except that our hotel has a river running through it….. on the first floor…...with Gondolas and streets and a realllllly cool fake sky.
So authentic in fact that Monty spends the rest of the visit to Vegas having to check whether the real sky is the real sky or not, even when we get into the helicopter he takes a bit of persuading.

Oh and our room is on the 17th floor out of 54,
it has three TV’s and a phone in the loo in case you get a sudden urge to talk and eleven swimming pools (not our room, the hotel) ….
and a pirate ship battle to watch from our window.
Sensory overload. We eat cookies and pass out.

Helicopter flying in Vegas

We have arrived safely in Las Vegas. This is Sarah’s part of the trip, so I have signed off any responsibility for the family’s safety and well-being. I am exhausted and drained having carried out this function so far.

We arrive at San Jose airport at 530am, and proceed to the chicane. Much to my surprise, we are not only in good time, but it is the correct day and the correct airport. The whole thing proceeds incredibly smoothly, more smoothly than I could ever have imagined. So this is how Sarah gets by when I am not around. She can do this fulltime I reckon. I resolve to ease off the anxiety pedal.

A stop over in Mexico city, then onto the US. No immunisation certificates, no refusals to enter the US, no problems at all. We call Mum and Dad, Emily at home, Walter etc. This is Monty talking to Granny.

First night in Vegas, checking into the Venetian only it turns out we are in the sister hotel the Palazzo (first slip Snoz - ha! I am watching). I think that this is probably the most extreme change in environment possible, going from deep jungle with no one around, to Las Vegas with absolutely everyone around and some weird ones too.

Our first morning dawns and Sarah has planned a heli ride into the Grand Canyon, recommended by some Haslemere friends. This turns out to be totally awesome. We are picked up from our hotel in a limo by a huge bald driver who is very jolly. The kids love the limo, as do we all if I am honest.

A quick hop to the airport , then the heli rhe ride takes 45 minutes or so with pilot “Chad” at the controls. His big mistake was to tell the kids about the microphones which allow us to talk to each other and point out things that we can see on the ground. Only this privilege is abused horribly and we have people singing, shouting, arguing, etc. The pilot can hear all this stuff, and found it entertaining on the way out to the Canyon but turned his headphones off on the way back.
We have DVD of the whole thing, soundtrack and all, which is winging its way to Walter in Devon, but this might need to be watched on “mute”. Once you get to the Canyon, you have a couple of sandwiches, some champagne, walk about a bit getting the feel of the place, and so on.
The kids were given coke instead of champers, so we spend some time finding bushes for them to pee behind. Not a whole load of bushes down there as it happens.
Strong man heli

We return to Vegas a slightly different way (still in the air though) and I also find a way to turn my headphones off, like Chad, then the heli screams down above The Strip before landing us safe back at the airport.

The bald guy then drops us off at the Mandalay because Monty wants to see Bull Sharks at the aquarium. I am also interested to see how big these fells are, having missed out on seeing any at Corcovado. The aquarium is not as awesome as everyone had told us, but the kids enjoyed it. We have a burger at some joint between the various Mandalay casinos, then it’s off to the “Fashion Show” mall to fit us out for tomorrow’s adventure. I haven’t gone shopping for 21 years now, but turn out to be surprisingly good at it. We all buy cowboy hats and cowboy boots,
and we get Jemima a waterproof shockproof indestructible camera for her birthday. Hence many of the photos from now on are hers. Our bank cards take a bit of a beating in Vegas. I am reminded of being in Val D’Isere with the great Morgan Jones, who is phoned by American Express to be informed that his card has been stolen and unfortunately someone has gone absolutely crazy with it in a place called “Dick’s Tea Bar”. Only of course it hadn’t been stolen, Morgan was merely plying us pauper students with refreshments of various kinds. My bank doesn’t even contact me – my Visa card and Amex card have now been turned off and only Master Card remains active. But I am getting into the swing of things - would you give this man credit?
After shopping, we go swimming, eat Sushi, then bed. We sneak downstairs for a quick gamble and late night drink – we make midnight (just), the latest Sarah and I have been up all trip (including Venezuela and Costa Rica).

Tomorrow I get married.

Jumping onto the back of the “limo” (Monty)

We went up on the tractor. Daddy walked up. But Daddy hided until the tractor went past and then he ran and jumped on when the tractor went past. And when we got to the top, the driver must have said “what?” because we only had 4 people on at the beginning (3 children and 1 Mummy) but then also 1 Daddy was on at the end. Then later Mima and me pushed Daddy in the pool.



Jumping onto the back of the “limo” (Hugh)

What amused me about this was that the driver, bless him, didn’t seem to register the different number of passengers in the back of his truck when we got to the top. There’s no way he saw me get on. Over supper, the driver’s apparent disinterest in the world around him spawned a number of different ideas from the family. We wondered how far we could take this. We might get Monty to call the limo to pick him up, and then hide the rest of the family on the trail on the way up to the hotel. Would a flicker of surprise register if 4 new people are in the back when he opens the door at the top? Or maybe we would all get out a little early, so there is no one inside at all when he gets to the top? Maybe we could collar even some other hotel guests to maximise the fun.

Of course, it is also possible that the driver is smarter than the rest of us and that he has seen all this before and spent years honing his “I’m not surprised” expression when such hilarious jokes are played on him.





(Monty) One day we went to the cave and then we walked to the waterfall but we didn’t go all the way because we had open shoes and we thought that we would get bitten by a snake. We saw parrots in the trees on top of us.



Then we had lunch.